Written stories that wish to be classified as a ‘short story’ must complete the following prerequisites: they must be no longer and no shorter than three and three quarters of a page, be published in at least seven academically recognized anthologies, be written on paper, be grammatically correct, have the first draft written in blue pen or grass-green Crayon, deal with issues of identity, reference two separate types of fabric, be a palindrome, make the reader feel belittled and insufficient, and finally, reference dogs.
Some “writers” believe that they have written short stories- wrong. Standards are high for short stories. There is a mentality among younger or newer writers that there is not a gate for writers to pass through. Those with formal training in writing from a university are the keepers of the gate into writing and all art forms. Anything perceived by the Gatekeepers of Art, an extremely old institution of sincerity, to not be art, should be excluded in all honest communities. Claims that non-gatekeeper-accepted art is art should be shunned and left to the minuscule youth movements, wherever they may be, if they do exist. The youth movement is where writers and works toil away; no one has ever stemmed from these communities.
Not everyone can write. A short story should be left to those who have the connections to get it published. Short stories are not novels; this is what makes them short. Short stories are not poems; poems are shorter than both novels and short stories. Poems are less than a page. Novels are over three hundred pages. Though length requirements are one of the most important aspects of what makes up a short story, there are several behind-the-scenes requirements that few but the brightest know of.
More extensive conditions that satisfy the Gatekeepers’ standards of a short story writer: must be a taxpayer, write in a coffee shop of a newly gentrified neighborhood, be prepared to hire someone to translate the story into English, if it is not already in English, must be upside down, must be within walking distance of a local library or a zoo, must be within a one mile radius of a Lands’ End catalogue, have a scar behind their left ear, have eaten penne pasta in the past thirty seven hours, have read all the works of a their favorite beat poet, have a liking of Charles Bukowski, be born on the 3rd, 17th, 11th, or 31st of any month in between August and January. These standards have been decided by a committee of people who represent the artists who have been allowed through the golden, ruby-studded gate of high art.
A short story must not contain the following: references to tigers, humor, Spanish, the letters C, J, K, U, and X, people of color, references to aristocracy or racquetball, aristocracy in the game of racquetball (negotiable), epigraphs, rhymes of any sort, rhythm of any sort, structural patterns, people named Annie (non-negotiable), and pictures. These standards have been decided by a similar committee to the committee of people who represent the artists who have been allowed through the golden, ruby-studded gate of high art.
A short story can only be read by the following people: a writer, who passes the previously mentioned conditions, a publisher, an agent, a manager, a printer, and an illiterate child or professor. These are the only people who could appreciate the writing to its fullest extent.
This is what a short story looks like. Only the writer who has satisfied all categories can possibly change their story and still classify it themselves as a short story. By the time their story fits all of the requirements they are, hopefully, too tired to want to change.
Regulations for short stories are not arbitrary. Definitions for short stories are not arbitrary. Rules created by anonymous committees are not arbitrary. These requirements are solely for short stories; essays, poems, novels, classical music, oil paintings, and royal portraits all have exceptionally necessary differences. This is hardly an essay.
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